He came back and I don’t know what it means

 Of course now I wonder what am I thinking. Conscious mind sometimes really can’t solve the riddle. A lot of things gradually come to our sense after so many years, is it not right? Like my mom’s love for me, now I see it as an invisible love that existed in the background, just like how we don’t know what god has planned for us, and what message does the universe has to tell us.

I guess I am not a failure, even though I usually thought that and felt that. I guess that is an involuntary act. Looking back, I am quite an activist, I did all that my soul asked, at least I fulfilled myself, at least I never let myself down. I had liked boys over the years and I reached out to them in different approaches that sometimes I could even replay it the my mind, going back to that day and still feel that is the good choice I have made to have done something with that boy.

But things do not always turn out the way we planned, right? The boy I had wanted so much on those days  did not come back to me, maybe some misunderstandings had happened, maybe we had lost our minds, maybe the timing wasn’t right, we had a thousand reasons to say why it hadn’t worked out. We felt like we know the reasons, so we can move on with our reasonable and rational mind.

Now I have a weird feeling. Because I couldn’t sleep. Body is waking me up like she is just not comfortable. But I know it is not the body but the heart. 

Yet another mystery…

First of all, he came back to me after so many years we had tried so hard to avoid contact. But we connected like smooth and with ease. I didn’t try too hard or need to pretend myself, because he is an old friend to me. ( Well now I understand why most of the couples I know are couples from high schools, because it is the familiarity and deep understanding for each other.)

Secondly it was kind of a taboo for me to be close to him, because my twin and I had liked him in high school and we promised each other not to betrayed each other just to fight over him. 

Well, this whole thing is not supposed to happen but it happened. I never got to know what is going on in his mind, what is his purpose. 

Now it is my turn. Let me tell you my side of story. 

 I had darker days, some days I feel like it is harder to move on. I know somebody they need to deal with their bad health, but I have been mostly healthy and fine. I just need to deal with my moods, they can get so bad. And I can get restless all the time. It’s like I have done so many things but they still couldn’t fulfil me. My sisters have been with me all the times, they know me so well, I always have them to turn to when I’m not myself. Looking at this love bond with my sisters, the greatest gift is their understanding for me. They put up with my ups and downs, and accept me for who I am.

Even though it is subtle, I couldn’t even notice it with my sober mind. It was different on the days without her around, my twin. We promised each other that it is a good change for both of us. A short separation means we appreciate each other even more and we get to have that whole personal space we wanted for so long. The great news will be we get to meet our soulmate for life, without interruption from each other, and there will be no chance we would fall in love with the same guy again.

My days were good, but bad. Good things happened but they are not what my heart is calling. A hole was formed in my heart, I get thirstier everyday, more restless than ever. I tried to notice good things that are going on in my life, they numb the pain temporarily, but came back to visit every night. Along the way, boys passed my passage, love toward them were quickly inflamed, but too, quickly subsided. It is the same pattern repeated, I was too desperate to fall in love but couldn’t be myself in front of the boy. I asked the boy out but he missed the message or busy with his work and I gave up. Nothing had been solved. 

So what is the problem here? 

I am capable to be alone with myself. I am capable of feeling happy with little things in my life. I just feel empty in my heart, and is that hole supposed to be filled by my soulmate?

I literally felt my hole was being filled. By him. And that’s the weird part. 

He ended a few episodes of my misery. He checked in on me just when I was so down. In those moments I felt like he was my life saviour. One fact that is good about being with him is that he lived so close. I could ask him out easily or he could ask me out easily. Another way of looking at it, he doesn’t find any excuses to reject.

Well, I’m not sure yet what I should call this relationship with him.

It is weird enough I am widely awake at 3am in the morning writing this. May god give me an answer.

Note to myself: Love is not final answer of yes or no. Of all the experiences I have been through, none has been wasted. Every part of the progress made me who I am today. Probably that’s why we need to forgive ourselves by the end of the day no matter what. We tried, at least we tried.