Those days
10/2/2021 Saturday 8am
Today is all about chill. I don't want to do nothing. Over the weeks, I have made myself busy on weekdays, and busier on weekends. I was going to enjoy all the fun I needed, but I realised when I overfun it, I actually feel tired.
I have fantastic dreams at night. Sometimes they made me restless and I will be still tired in the morning. But when I am able to remember even a small fragment of my dream, I am fascinated. Sometimes they are about friends and teachers from my primary school. I was not even close to anyone in my primary school. I was in the ace class, with my fellow classmates with good brains. I always thought how excellent they are, and why had I ended up being in the same class with them? In my dreams, I met my classmates in different kind of occasions. There is one time in a waiting room, one in a random party, one during a fun and quirky trip, one when a classmate turn out to be my cousin and try to steal my father's property. I don't know how in my subconscious I want to relate with these friends in my dream, I don't know if they mean anything.
I have a grief, that also always turns out to be special occasions in my dream. I left university half way through the program, without telling anybody at that time, just abruptly. I was messed up, and didn't think straight. Now I looked back, I wonder if I would make the same choice again? I think I would. It is not the fault of anyone that I made that decision, even though back then I would really like to blame it to someone. In my dream, my dearly elderly teacher always came to visit. He is wise and strict, even though a lot of the time he scolded people, and people don't know what is going on in his mind, especially me. I am the kind that think a lot, not the smart and logic kind, but the poet kind. In my high school days until my twenty-one, I always imagined something extraordinary will come to my life, after all the boring years I was being locked up in home and schools, everything on the outside are meant to be brighter, cooler, and better. In truth, while I was having fun enjoying my days, people are working hard and moving on, until I wake up one day and find out maybe I cannot share that kind of future with them. Smart and talented people are always around, in competition playground like university, my phobia about being left behind and being the last opened the door of exit for me. And one more fact that hardened my decision, is when I saw all the colours faded from my seniors' face, no more excitement, only struggle.
In my dream, my elderly teacher always came to visit. Sometimes I was being invited to his class again, but other students are staring at me weirdly. Sometimes, in a crowed market, I spot my teacher at the far corner, alongside my withered father with a walking stick. Probably these dreams are sending out messages of me, hoping to be forgiven. They are good people in the past, and I am glad to have lived those days with them.